The Heart of Darkness

I find it frustrating that the darkness can have the same affect on me as it did when I was a child. The nights used to nearly paralyze me when I was younger, and it took great courage to trek up the stairs by myself or when the lights hadn't yet been turned on. It could even hold me back from venturing to the bathroom when needed. I would only make it to my parents' room in an all out sprint across the hallway and bounding in bed in between the two as though they were barricades. When I finally stopped sleeping in my brothers' top bunk or on their floor in a sleeping bag, I had a "nightlight" that was really a desk lamp and lite up an entire corner of my bedroom. The door had to be cracked and a pile of stuffed animals turned into a shield which flanked the side of my bed that wasn't pushed against the wall. I lined them in order of size starting with the biggest near the top - my huge panda bear was bigger than my head and thus blocked out my entire view save for the little crack in his armpit so I could keep a lookout. Then came my mama Koala bear, followed by my two Pound Puppies stacked on top of each other, a random white seal I salvaged from a garagesale, and lastly, the baby Koala bear. Much of this fear was created by some frequent and intense nightmares, but even now I find myself more vulnerable while lying in bed. Things I haven't thought about all day will creep up and become monumental worries, snatching hours of sleep away from me.
I will toss and turn over something I should or shouldn't have said, over a phone call I have to make the next day, someone I have to confront, over something someone else said, something that's even days away.... Maybe it's simply time, obligation; the day requires so many things to be done, I have less time to analyze, and so as I attempt to slow my mind down, it only races ahead with possibilities.
But maybe these moments are also preludes to my most challenging trials when it seems nothing is certain, that everything is hidden or that I will be lost to something which I could not recognize, yet when my faith is most imperative. When I must hold tight to what I know to be true: that the darkness will eventually give way to light, each and every time.

"When you go to battle against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God is with you............" Deuteronomy 20:1