It Takes 21 Days

I think I have a mild form of OCD. Now, for those of you laughing (especially my Father who I am constantly ragging on for having certain anal tendencies), I kid not.......it has become rather evident in my ample amount of time to observe and contemplate.
I can really think of no other reason behind some of the habits or patterns I've settled into, or why its so very hard for me to steer myself away from them. I don't need to wash my hands multiple times or avoid cracks in the sidewalk or circle around the parking meter 3 times before I can enter the building. However, I have a route I always walk to school, and that's the way I continue to walk, even after discovering a shorter way to get there. Same things with the walk to the gym - that's the way I've walked for 3 months so why change it? I run on the same treadmill too, and a guy I talk to sometimes recently asked "why you run on same, same all the time?" Well, heck. I don't know........I realized I ran on the same treadmill back home at the YMCA too; I have a preferred coffee cup and a shirt I like to wear on Fridays; I like to sit at the same place in restaurants, even order the same thing. That's my treadmill and my cup and my shirt and my table and my dish of food, meaning I think its sub- conscientiously a control issue. Yes, I will admit I like to be in control- my Mother has always affectionately called me the "Brother Police." But it also helps me feel safe and not so vulnerable - as soon as I open myself to unfamiliar territory, I could get side winded and bamboozled. When I stick to the program I can expect what's going to happen and prepare myself for it, gear my emotions towards a preferred outcome. Its the same reason I like things to be on my watch. I like my time, and I like to be able to do with it as I please. Sure, you can surprise me, but tell me when that surprise is coming and I'll let you know if it fits in there. Here I have had to come up with all new habits and practices, and have held on to them rather tightly. As excited as I will be to get home, I'm already thinking of how I'll have to come up with a whole new schedule again. I have a brother who will have been settled into his married life for over a year, another brother who settled into campus life, friends who have changed jobs, graduated school or went back to school, a dear friend in particular who will have been married and anticipating a baby for the past 9 months, and parents who have learned to be without children under their roof........
I have always thought of myself as just very disciplined, but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been thinking about a line from the movie You Got Mail, where she says, "I lead a small life......and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?" I am trying - trying hard - to let other people and things in my life. I know what you're thinking: "You're on the other side of the world, how can you not let new things into your life?!" Its more complicated than that though; its still a matter of control. It's one thing to go out looking for things on my own terms; its completely different to allow things to pop up and "interrupt" my stride. It happens all the time here and I usually flinch or take cover. I believe there were a lot of things back home I missed simply because I chose to ignore them. I'm praying that won't be the case in 5 months.

On a completely different note, I noticed the other day that my gym still has their Christmas decorations up. Good for them.