We Won't Need Legs to Stand

My problem, I realize, is that I rarely know what to say to people, and therefore, feel like I have nothing to say to God. I find that I have to watch my words like the steps on a steep staircase or else everything will just tumble into a mess of a pile at the bottom. I'm fueled by emotion. I come from a very passionate family - a cheerleading actress and military varsity jock produced three rather zealous children, who don't always check their emotions before confrontation. I fear there is damage in telling God I'm pissed off at him, or a parent that they disappointed me, or a sibling that he has shamed me...................then I struggle with mending the embarrassment I feel afterwards. Here, I've done a lot of please and thank you with God, "Please help me through this day," "Thank you for helping me through this day." I'm beginning to think that is okay; I need to stop trying to prepare a script when I call out his name.

I went hiking yesterday, something I've discovered is quite enjoyable as there are plenty of mountains here in Korea. I always go alone mostly because it's difficult to find a companion, but also because I have so much time with my thoughts and really get to reflect on some things (which is how the above came about). Friday was a dreadfully long day, accompanied by a sore throat, congestion, and an awful headache. I somehow popped out of bed on Saturday, ran 8 miles without breaking a stride and then decided to climb a mountain. It was supposed to take 5 hours to peak and back down; I did it in 3. Something was pushing me yesterday, and the whole time I'm charging ahead, but suddenly had this moment where I thought, "This is too much work, too much to do alone." It was after I spotted this kid about 8, maybe 9, years old with his Dad who had his hands out to his son. But I knew there was something in the end, something at the top, and was going to make myself reach it. There was a good mile or so that was complete vertical rock to descend, and I sat on this huge boulder for a moment trying to figure out how I was going to get from point A to point B when this hand reached out to me. A Korean man in a bright orange jacket, as if to say "Look, here I am," began guiding my hands and feet. For the rest of the time he would go on a little way, let me fall then look back to see if I was alright, stand behind me, tell me to go slow or be careful. Now I am not one for spiritual ooey gooey metaphors and analogies, but this was nice. While I was headed back to the subway and standing on the street corner, an old man walked up to me, grabbed my hand and led me to a cup of coffee because I "looked very cold." And so it is with God I guess.............



SUMMITING

It feels like I've been here before -
Sucking wind and body sore,
My hands shake, my knees quake,
Unsure how long will this take,
And beside me trudges a boy,
With his father-built like Achilles of Troy
Patient with every little delay,
Leads like he knows the way,
Shouldn't I in a familiar place?
This steady pace, maybe unsafe,
And I may have to make this mistake,
And for me you may have to wait,
Until my own victory breaks,
Give and give and give to take,
With beauty falling all around
I dare not breath out a sound,
Only a curse in my mind
At the struggle that stares from behind.