We Won't Need Legs to Stand

My problem, I realize, is that I rarely know what to say to people, and therefore, feel like I have nothing to say to God. I find that I have to watch my words like the steps on a steep staircase or else everything will just tumble into a mess of a pile at the bottom. I'm fueled by emotion. I come from a very passionate family - a cheerleading actress and military varsity jock produced three rather zealous children, who don't always check their emotions before confrontation. I fear there is damage in telling God I'm pissed off at him, or a parent that they disappointed me, or a sibling that he has shamed me...................then I struggle with mending the embarrassment I feel afterwards. Here, I've done a lot of please and thank you with God, "Please help me through this day," "Thank you for helping me through this day." I'm beginning to think that is okay; I need to stop trying to prepare a script when I call out his name.

I went hiking yesterday, something I've discovered is quite enjoyable as there are plenty of mountains here in Korea. I always go alone mostly because it's difficult to find a companion, but also because I have so much time with my thoughts and really get to reflect on some things (which is how the above came about). Friday was a dreadfully long day, accompanied by a sore throat, congestion, and an awful headache. I somehow popped out of bed on Saturday, ran 8 miles without breaking a stride and then decided to climb a mountain. It was supposed to take 5 hours to peak and back down; I did it in 3. Something was pushing me yesterday, and the whole time I'm charging ahead, but suddenly had this moment where I thought, "This is too much work, too much to do alone." It was after I spotted this kid about 8, maybe 9, years old with his Dad who had his hands out to his son. But I knew there was something in the end, something at the top, and was going to make myself reach it. There was a good mile or so that was complete vertical rock to descend, and I sat on this huge boulder for a moment trying to figure out how I was going to get from point A to point B when this hand reached out to me. A Korean man in a bright orange jacket, as if to say "Look, here I am," began guiding my hands and feet. For the rest of the time he would go on a little way, let me fall then look back to see if I was alright, stand behind me, tell me to go slow or be careful. Now I am not one for spiritual ooey gooey metaphors and analogies, but this was nice. While I was headed back to the subway and standing on the street corner, an old man walked up to me, grabbed my hand and led me to a cup of coffee because I "looked very cold." And so it is with God I guess.............



SUMMITING

It feels like I've been here before -
Sucking wind and body sore,
My hands shake, my knees quake,
Unsure how long will this take,
And beside me trudges a boy,
With his father-built like Achilles of Troy
Patient with every little delay,
Leads like he knows the way,
Shouldn't I in a familiar place?
This steady pace, maybe unsafe,
And I may have to make this mistake,
And for me you may have to wait,
Until my own victory breaks,
Give and give and give to take,
With beauty falling all around
I dare not breath out a sound,
Only a curse in my mind
At the struggle that stares from behind.

From SoKo to SoCo.

Happy birthday, Pop. Enjoy it, treat yourself, and hit the gym tomorrow.
This is from the heart of 7 six year olds, singing Happy Birthday Korean style. Fo' shizzle.

Lullabies

There is a man in Korea, born and bred, who lived in St. Louis for 4 years while he attended Fontbonne University..... and I met him. I randomly met a Korean guy on the subway awhile back who heard of St. Louis because he passed through twice, and I thought that was cool. But to meet someone who knew names like Schnucks and Forest Park, and Euclide and Kingshighway, and Ted Drew's! That was a hoot. When I was younger I remember making a pact with my neighbor friend that we wouldn't live in St. Louis all our lives because "it was boring." Well, I honored my words, and while Seoul has certainly been thrilling and I really enjoy aspects of my life here, I was reminded of all the things that I treasure about home. And it just happens that today is the 6 month anniversary since my departure. So in honor of such rehashing, I have compiled a list things, big and little, that make me happy back home.

1. the library, especially on rainy days
2. Mom's homemade chicken soup
3. My cherry red Jeep Cherokee, particularily driving around with the radio on in my cherry red Jeep Cherokee.
4. The garbage disposal
5. minimal polution
6. Hanging out at Chevy's with the girls from the Y
7. the awesome Dad-made desk that's as long as I and the floor to ceiling bookshelf.
8. Speed limits and stop signs
9. Running in Queeny Park on a warm Sunday, then stopping at the nearby smoothie place; Powder Valley in the fall; the botanical gardens full of tulips and roses.
10. Jazz with Erin Bode
11. an oven
12. toilet paper in bathrooms
13. Dad's Sunday dinners
14. Hanging out with Steph at Khaldi's and jamming to tunes on her laptop
15. Hearing Nina go on and on about the Cardinals
16. March Madness
17. Black Cherry Gatorade
18. Green on St. Patrick's Day; Christmas lights on houses
19. Going to Target
20. Chatting with regulars at the YMCA (even though I've met some nice people at my gym here).

And Everything In Between

I have clean clothes again and the smell of detergentfied linens makes me happy. I was already behind on laundry when I decided to actually get on it, then three loads only left me with sopping wet clothes which possessed the same worn out scent that I had wanted to do away with in the first place. Despite a language barrier, my belt was replaced at the expense of the school and the spinning began again.
I've been trying to explore on Saturdays. I am usually by myself all day - this can be depressing or liberating. I am trying to take the perspective of it not being so bad; in fact, I actually value it at times. I have no obligations or expectations put on by anyone. So I do a bit of cleaning, go for long jog, and then open my guide to Korea book, and pick a place. Last week I went to the National Museum of Korea where some of the most beautiful ceramics and artifacts and pieces of history are displayed; yesterday I went to a shopping district and wandered around snacking on street food and taking pictures. I need that. I get bored and tired easily. That's a startling realization and one I'm not very fond of. I like thrills, and then when they wear me out or scare me, I like to back down and do nothing, which then brings me back to boredom, and back to looking for a chain of thrills. Wow. That's something I've never put my finger on. But I'm forced to look at all kinds of things about myself, and decide what I think about them.......................some of them I really don't like, yet others I cherish. I suppose that could be said for everyone, its just a matter of how its dealt with. Sundays are web surfing, maybe a jog, and church, after which I usually go out to eat with a group who can share my woes. I am not happy with some of my predicaments, but they could be much more burdensome then they are. I thank God for where I am right now. Still, I hope for changes too.
As I said before, I think teaching must be the most challenging and rewarding things I've ever done. Sheer joy on some days, and on other days I want to chuck myself off a rooftop, or even just in front of a bus. I hug and high five and laugh and yell and threaten and put in timeout. The other day Shannon was talking about a kid and described her as "the cute one," and Nick replied "They're all cute." Perfect.

After These Messages

The past week has not been very kind to me, and thus, my blog has been neglected. When I am distressed, my writing is fueled and fast and not often shared with others. Now that things have settled down a bit, I will attempt to testify my troubles without vengeance or a pity party, though I'm not making any promises.
Last weekend my stomach didn't want to keep anything inside of it. I went to work on Friday feeling a bit nauseous but knowing I had to be there because half of the Kindergarten classes were graduating. I made it through the day but spent Friday night to Sunday afternoon bent over the toilet. I haven't puked like that since...........well, I don't even remember. But I missed on an adventurous weekend which included an Indian dinner at a couple's house; instead I watched about 15 movies. Monday began a new semester at school, so again, had to be there. I've spent this entire week trying to adjust to a new schedule with new classes and new kids, and one in particular who likes to say "F*ck you." He says maybe 5 things in English and that happens to be one of them.

I also had my first real confrontation with my boss. In short, I did my job exactly as she instructed me to, yet didn't get the result she wanted thanks to lack of participation on the students' side. It was quite a lengthy project that I put extra time into outside of class, where students were supposed to call me at home but didn't. I explained that I did what I was supposed to do and shouldn't be responsible for any more than that. I was going to let her keep insisting until she tired of it, while I just kept ignoring and act like I just didn't have to do what she said, but I like to think that I'm more mature than that (though I know I'm often not).
I'm also learning the Koreans really don't like confrontation - so they will nod okay now and then find some way to undercut you later.
I'm proud of how I handled it, me approaching her respectfully yet defensively and settling the outcome.
Then Sunday morning I woke up and couldn't breathe. I blew my nose and sunshine yellow came out. It was that kind of congestion where your eyes sting and when you talk it sounds like you're underwater. I went to church though because I missed last week and wanted to get out in the nice weather. Thanks to a concerned pastor, I now have a handful of pills to kill all flu-like symptoms and am already feeling better just after a day on them. I'm back at a new week, looking forward to a few good workouts, a few good meals, and a few good singing sessions with the little ones.
And apparently, yesterday was Woman's Day. So to all you mothers and milkmaids, sisters and sitters, aunts and actresses, daughters and dancers, nurses and nannies, tigress' and teachers, hairdressers and homemakers - Hip Hip Hooray! And I'm realizing my warrior picture is of a man.
There we go................