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I had a glitch today; a shortage in the circuit. Seemingly out of nowhere too. My emotions crept up on me, and I absolutely hate it when that happens. More often than not, I can feel myself becoming overwhelmed, but today it was sneaky. In a split second I felt completely and utterly alone. And the tears just started to flow. Fortunately, I was sly enough to hide it and not get caught in a moment of being undone. Nonetheless, I feel stupid because I am an adult and should be able to control myself and deal with adult-like things. Being homesick or getting lost or having a confrontation shouldn't rub me so strongly in the wrong direction. I am realizing how much it rattles me when I have nothing familiar to grab a hold of, how quickly I can feel pinned against the wall.
I had no one to just talk to and feel at ease with, feel like myself. I even hung out with people this weekend, and ate and laughed and socialized. I have people to do the same with tomorrow. But I don't have MY people.............I can't walk into work and tell Nina about a crazy dream I had or a weird encounter at the grocery store; I can't come home and complain to my parents about how frustrated I am with someone; I can't call Steph and meet for dinner or coffee so we can dissect our mutual problems or plan an adventurous weekend. The hope for those relationships is present, though hesitant. It takes me awhile to warm up to people, more of my own doing than theirs. I am wary to give pieces of myself away, and some understand that and others don't. Either they get it and let me come out of my shell on my own terms..... or they don't, and make assumptions and challenge me in alarming ways. I can't necessarily hold it against them, yet I want to. The pressure it puts on me seems unwarranted and intrusive.
Pardon me for the seriousness of this post.
I went to church yesterday.........the pastor stated quite boldly, "Don't worry about a thing." Ha!