Hello, Frank Lloyd Wright

People often speak about wanting a blueprint or a map for their life, directions for where to turn and where to stop. I realized I am not nearly as concerned with where I'm going as who I am, and I have a much greater need for a blueprint that explains that. It would illustrate exactly how I was built, and why this was put here and that there; it would explain the reason such and such happened and how to react to it; it would tell me which things were connected and where they were connected.
This is why you love the color green and the sound of the cello. This is why you feel most comfortable around children, or why meeting new people makes you feel so vulnerable. This is why Little House on the Prairie or Simon and Garfunkel can suddenly make you long for home. This is why you are comforted by the taste of chocolate or a cup of coffee. This is why running makes you feel alive. This is why you can watch old Meg Ryan movies over and over again. This is why those words left a scar.
I could carry it in my back pocket and refer to it when needed. I could make copies and utilize it like a business card. When I first met people, I could skip all the awkward, difficult in-between and simply pull out my blueprint. "Here, if there is ever a confusing part of our relationship, you'll already know the history and the science. I can just talk and we'll both understand; there would be no struggle to figure it out or even make an impression. Spending so much time in solitude and with my own thoughts has definitely led me to spend much time wondering. Every encounter I have over here forces a new relationship; there is no one who I can just go unload on. No parent, or sibling, or best friend, or co-worker I've known for years. The amount of energy needed is exhausting. Its unlike any challenge I've been faced with..........and probably a good one. One I needed sooner or later. Before I left, a friend who lived in a foreign country for awhile told me that I'll be completely naive, like a baby having to learn things all over again. Some things I wonder if I ever learned to begin with.
One thing is for certain: Autumn is mine!